She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
