i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
