i just sent this text using only my big toe
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
