Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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