So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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