Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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