dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
