I hate all girls vehemently.
We named our party play list daddy issues
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
