Someone shit on the floor
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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