Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
