oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
