I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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