you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
