i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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