I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
