I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you would pick up someone in the library
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
