I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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