the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
