Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize