Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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