dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
