My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
