I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Randomize
