And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
