Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
