In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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