after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
