so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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