I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
