Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
