How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
