Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
