im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
