Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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