I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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