There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
