Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.