I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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