I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
