dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
