I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I enjoy the company of your penis
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
