i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
