Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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