Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
sex in a hospital.. check
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
