I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
