Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
