the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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