i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
