I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
