Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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