Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
