Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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